Nurse Loves Farmer


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Friday, 05 October 2012 14:45

Feeling Sorry for Myself

Typically I try to avoid being too negative on my blog - because really, who wants to read that?  I also try to avoid feeling too sorry for myself - there are always worse things, there are always people in worse - MUCH worse - situations that I am in, or find myself in.

But I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant, and for the next few minutes, I'm going to allow myself to wallow in a little bit of self pity - if that annoys you, stop reading!

My pregnancies have been pretty easy, and I hardly find myself sick at all.  What I do feel, is TIRED.  Sometimes so much it's debilitating. And I almost wish I actually was vomiting constantly, because then maybe the people around me would not think 'Oh, she's just lazy tired!' I feel lazy.  When I am sitting on my butt and watching my daughter play, or asking her to watch a movie with me because it's less energy than actually DOING something, or putting her down for a nap when it's maybe not strictly necessary quite yet - just so I can lie down too, I feel like the worst mother ever. I feel like it's absolutely ridiculous that I can't seem to get off my butt and clean the kitchen - because really, it's not that hard, is it?

I teach piano at home, which comes with a number of complications when it comes to having a baby.  It means that I can't take a significant amount of 'leave', because then I don't get paid, and if I took too much time off I would be risking my students finding another teacher and not returning.  So, this year I'm hoping I will be able to manage on no more than 2 weeks.  Teaching piano at home also means that there are certain 'house' tasks that I can't ignore.  At the beginning of each week, the upstairs floor MUST be vacuumed and cleared, the bathroom MUST be cleaned, and the kitchen MUST NOT smell like we left last weeks casserole sitting out... again...

It also means that by about 4pm each day that I teach (which is 3 days a week), the Living Room floor must be freshly tidied and swept.

I am not a Domestic Goddess. I was never expected to help clean the house as a child - so I would like to lay the blame for my lack of house-keeping skills on my parents.  I can do that, right? :) Anyway, I struggle with house cleaning, but had really started to 'master' it after a year of being at home with Clara.

And then I got pregnant. At first it seemed like a dream pregnancy - having a toddler around distracted me, and the time flew by.  My pregnancy never got 'difficult', but when I started getting tired, my SAHM skills started diminishing.  One thing about household tasks that is kind of unlike any other job I've ever had is the fact that if I skip a day, I now have two days worth of work to do... no one else is picking up the slack.  If I spend a week just trying to keep up with my toddler and not really managing to get ANYTHING done - I suddenly am a week behind, and almost all of that stuff still needs to be done.  I find this mentally exhausting.

I know this isn't an issue for everyone - and maybe it's just me.  I have an aunt who is a housecleaning miracle - she currently has 4 teenaged boys, and at no point during their lives was their house anything other than spotless (by my standards).  I also hate asking her for help or advice, because she really doesn't understand why this is difficult for me.  I get a funny look and a 'What's the big deal? Just clean your house!'.  I suppose it would be like me trying to teach someone how to make Kraft Dinner... 'What's your struggle? Just read the directions!'... but I digress.

I recall when Clara was born having family members offer to come 'watch the baby' so that I could clean the house, or cook or something.  I wanted to feel grateful, and understanding about the fact that they wanted to hang out with the baby and also wanted to be (at least a little bit) helpful, but I found these offers annoying.  'Watching the baby' was for the most part easy work - and most of it could be done from a sitting position, unlike housework or cooking. 

Again, I wanted to feel grateful, but I also wanted to yell 'If you really want to be helpful - CLEAN MY HOUSE!!!'

At most, I have just 5 more weeks of pregnancy, and then hopefully things will get better.  I'd love to ask for a gift certificate for a house cleaner for Christmas, but by then I hope to not need it anymore...

Ok, that's it.  It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself - get off my butt and get something done.  And... Go!

Read 2854 times Last modified on Friday, 05 October 2012 15:40

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