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Wednesday, 11 December 2013 06:35

Reminiscing

Have you seen those Gilmore Girls episodes where Lorelai crawls into Rory's bed at 4am and starts reminiscing about the night Rory was born?

"It's so hard to believe that exactly this time, many moons ago... I was lying in exactly the same position (Rory: Oh, boy... here we go...) Only I had a huge fat stomach, and big fat ankles and I was swearing like a sailor..."

Anyway, I understand the sentiment.  I love reading over the girls' birth stories on the eve of their Birthday - remembering how tiny and new they were, and how I felt as a Mom.  In Clara's story, I felt insecure and afraid, and completely in awe of this little person who had lived inside my body for such a long time before I was finally able to see her face. 

I started pushing at 6:30am on Saturday morning, December 11, 2010 - and at 6:36am, Clara's first tiny cries filled the delivery room. She was just under 8lbs, covered in slime, and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I had no clue what my life was about to become - I doubt any new parent really does - but I knew that I had changed in some huge way, and would never again be the same. 

Today, my oldest daughter turns 3. 

My Dear, Dear Clara,

I can't quite define how or why, but you continuously seem more coherent, more perceptive and articulate, and more complex as an individual.  You voice thoughts that come from nowhere but your own head, and play games that no one else has taught you. You understand our grown-up explanations for things more and more, and despite the fact that you are increasingly headstrong and often difficult, you are also becoming much easier to relate to and communicate with. 

Your favourite movies these days are Mamma Mia - for the music, and a cartoon Jesus movie that I bought in a Walmart bin for $5 - I think you intrigued by - and able to recognize - the spiritual depth of the story.  Of course you are still in love with Barney the purple dinosaur and Thomas the Train - and do not, ever forget Cinderella - but you are beginning to 'get' more and more on an adult scale. 

You are also repeating everything you hear, which means I need to seriously censor what I say...

You have grown more as a person this year than any previous year, and I know that technically people change more in their first year of life than in any other year, but I really feel as though this year is the year you have changed the most. 

You are beautiful and independent, stubborn (I say that lovingly) and intelligent. I am in love with - and terrified by - the person you are becoming. I fear that as a mother I will fail at guiding your many personality traits in positive directions, and that some of your gifts may go unnurtured by my lack of focus.  I am excited, however, in all of the traits I see in you that are so much like me - because you have one thing that I lacked: a Mom. Many of my failings and childhood issues came from my insecurity as someone who was not quite sure of my place in this world. In that way - you will not be the same. Despite my failings, I trust and pray that my simply being here - and loving you endlessly - will help you to blossom and excel. Despite my failings, I know that it matters that I am simply here.

I love you. Despite how much you drive me crazy - particularly lately since you've discovered that yelling louder will ensure that you are noticed - I love you immensely. I'm excited for all of the years I pray we will have together, and I'm so looking forward to getting to know you better - even as you get to know yourself better. 

Cheers - to you, and to (I hope) many more birthdays, dear girl! 

Love,Mom

 

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