There are times when my life throws sticks and stones in my direction...
And there are times it throws grenades
Then, in the stillness, when the dust is falling around me
I find myself sinking and unable to see through the haze
Sinking into a sadness, a numbness, that I can't escape
I try to speak, I need to speak, to ease this burden
but you seem not to understand
I hear my words being twisted around me, until I can no longer remember what I said
Why would you assume the worst?
I have life weighing on my shoulders, the masks of all the roles I play
And on top of that, in the casual quiet conversations
I must be afraid
Afraid that each word I say will be seen through your eyes
Eyes that search out constantly, reasons to find offence
I try to speak, I need to speak, because I'm sure I'm not alone
I hear sad voices joining mine, and maybe together we can become strong
And even when I speak words that aren't your words,
With views that you don't see
Can we find that we are all hurting, put down our defences, stop trying to be offended
Learn each others lessons, and be kind?
There's my attempt at poetry for today... anyway, I have been debating getting more into this blogging thing. Blogging more regularly - I do love writing after all, and I have been feeling lonely. A lot is going on in my life, and I'm honestly struggling emotionally with a lot right now. Being an extrovert who NEEDS people in my life, I find talking through things therapeutic and helpful, and I need to hear about others' lives and struggles to keep mine in perspective. So much good in the blogging community for someone like me...
But today, as I was perusing some of the blogs and sites I haven't read in months, I was reminded of another beast - commenters. Commenters who show up just to tear down the words you have spoken or written, just to cut you down. Commenters who seem incapable of putting forth a respectful disagreement, but must - at best - quip passive aggressively, somewhat sarcastically - or, at worst - insult you completely. I would suspect that most of us who write about our lives feel sad and lonely at times, and even self-conscious and worthless at others - WHY do they come just to kick you when you're down?
Why do so many people online seem ready and willing to be insulted and offended by everything? Can we please, just sometimes, try to assume that a blog post we read - or Facebook post we see - was posted by someone who is sometimes sad, and lonely, and who cries. Picture a sad lonely puppy if you will, before you choose your response. Even puppies bite sometimes, but they usually have a good reason.
Can I get past this? Can I become ok with the fact that there will always be some who will not give me the benefit of the doubt? That there will be some who - instead of choosing respect and honesty, will choose anger and bitterness and to hurt back.
There is NO ONE I would ever deliberately hurt or offend. I will assume the same of you, internet user, until you prove me wrong. Typically, that means you have to choose meanness repeatedly, because the first couple times I will be confused and saddened by your responses, assuming myself to be worthy of how belittled I feel. You have power, because I want to choose to be kind - and to expect kindness from you.
Can this naive little Saskatchewan girl handle the big kid playground that is the internet...? I'm not sure.